400 Days of Surrender — Day 15: The struggle within — pulling the plug
New to this series? You can find Day 1 and why I’m writing this here.
As I’ve been thinking about my year of surrender, where to go, what to do, how to go about it, I’ve been resisting pulling the plug, namely of giving notice for my current home.
On one side I’m excited about the idea of a nomadic year full of challenges, surrender and seeking to go deeper (as I shared on Day 1), on the other side I’m apprehensive of giving up the comforts of having a home, being somehow settled, having friends, being in a city I love and, most importantly, avoiding the uncertainty that comes from surrender and not knowing. The very thing (surrender and challenge) that I’m seeking is also the thing that I’m afraid of.
I know that once I burned my boats and embarked on the journey, I will feel more alive, I will experience live more intensely, I will make wonderful and wondrous experiences, I will push my limits that allow me to connect deeper with life and being alive and I will look back onto that year as the most beautiful, the most elevating one and the one that made me grow the most, especially through the challenging moments.
Yet, sitting at my dinner table typing these lines, I am hesitant of letting go of the comforts, thinking about that I have no idea what will unfold and how it will feel moment to moment, even though, ironically, the challenge and the discomfort is exactly what I’m seeking because I have learnt that that’s where all the good stuff came from.
And this dilemma, this struggle is not only what’s holding myself back and the very reason I feel like I “need” to go but it’s the reason most of us don’t live the life we secretly or even unconsciously dream of but the one that is safe, normal, regular, the one that we are expected to live and the one that most of us choose to live. Not because it is better but because it’s easier, more comfortable and with less resistance.
I was discussing this struggle not for the first time with my coach today, and it’s the struggle that I find myself in so many places in life, where I know what I “need” to do as in what’s calling me vs. My apprehension of doing it and so I hold off and off and off until I either abandon it or I escape to a different choice.
That’s true when it comes to writing a book (I started I think five times and once even wrote 30,000+ words before I stoped), because I have this story in myself going that I can’t make any mistakes and it’s not good enough and that’s the very reason I’m not acting in my full power, I feel like I’m driving with the hand break pulled and it’s exhausting and frustrating when my soul once to be fully alive and live up to its full potential.
Thats the struggle we are all in whether we are conscious of it or not. What are we actually afraid of? We are ll dying in the end and so it’s just a choice how do we want to spend the time while we are here on earth? Do we want to experience life fully, whatever that means to you, or do you want to play it safe? When did you last feel excited and joyous about what you do and how you life, genuinely and authentically, not through pleasure but through your heart and soul?
That’s what means being fully alive and as I’m writing this lines, I realise how much I want to do this and that all the good stuff is non the other side of fear. I can feel as I type how my excitement is rising and I feel my heart. What we want does not come from the head but from the heart, it always tells us where we need to go and then the ego driven, fearful and worrying head gets in the way.
So as much as I’m having held off with my decision, writing these lines have shown me again that it’s time to go out and explore the world again, to surrender to the unknown, to be instead of thinking, to grow and become more alive, so I’m putting in my notice today for my flat (let me know if you are looking for a wonderful place in London) and then I can stop agonising about what to do and start organising what’s next and the journey can begin.
There’s no looking back. And all it takes is one single step. What’s your next step on your journey, the one you have been thinking about so much? When are you ready to take it because the time is now. 🚀
Continue to Day 16: Letting life unfold.
