Life Advice #5: Stop fighting symptoms and get to the root cause
Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you’ll call it fate.” — Carl Jung
The article is part of a weekly newsletter about how to gain personal freedom and living life on your on terms. You can sign up here.
You don’t have time to read this newsletter? Listen to my voicemail to a friend instead: Click here, fast forward to 1:40:10 and listen to it for a few minutes. Then ask yourself whether those thoughts and the ones in this newsletter could not help you and if they can, why don’t you allocate that little time? What does that say about the priorities in your life and about your life in general? Think about it.
This newsletter’s content:
- Dealing with the cause rather than the symptoms (3 mins) and
- Let’s make this easier. Exercise no. 1 (5 mins) = together 8 mins :)
- Voicemail to a friend. If you prefer listening to reading, this is for you! It’s full of life advise goodies. Don’t miss this! You can listen to it while working out.
- Quote of the week
- Things I have been pondering this week
- What am I up to?
Dealing with the cause rather than the symptoms
Everyone wants a quick solution. But quick fixes don’t work and end up being much more costly in the long-term. In life that holds even truer: Quick fixes will never solve your problems and you will keep fighting against the symptoms for eternity.
The market delivers what the customer wants. And it also happily delivers if the customer is asking for the wrong thing. The self-help, personal development and feel good industries are full of get-rich-quick and get-happy-quick schemes.They promise you heaven on earth, make you feel great for a moment but then you lapse back into where you were before. The don’t help you with integration because they are just addressing the surface, the symptoms. So you need to keep going back over and over again for more and that’s what the industry lives from: A dependent customer for life.
The problem with happiness/contentment/fulfillment — whatever term you fancy — is that it’s like falling asleep: The harder you try the less it works.
My passion has become to identify the tools that let you live life on your terms. Living it without suffering from stress, anxiety, worries and all the other negative feelings that easily creep up in our modern world — more so then they used to. Isn’t it ironic that while the world is continuously getting better, safer, more convenient, we are becoming ever more stressed, anxious and unhappy in the process?
“How we see the world determines the world that we live in.” — Buddha
We continuously try to change our external world to make it fit the way we want. But we cannot control that world, it does what it wants when and wants and you are doomed to fail trying. But you can have 100% control of yourself, you can change yourself. If you want to live a content life on your terms you need to change yourself on the inside.
NB. After writing continuously for more than an hour on this newsletter, I hit a wrong key and lost all its content. Moments like this are always a good test for how far you (or in this case I) are on the journey. Do you get up, start screaming and banging against the door? Or do humor yourself, get up for a coffee break, smile and sit down and start writing again. There’s nothing you can do about it so what’s the point of screaming and making you feel worse? These moments are when we can check in on how much progress we have made. Back to the newsletter. Well, a quick quote in that respect:
“The universe grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” — Serenity Prayer
In moments that trigger negative emotions like the one I just described, listen and observe yourself. What can you learn about yourself? Why do you feel the way you do? How does it impact you and the rest of your day? Would it not be better to notice that negative emotion, accept it and the circumstances, put a smile on and move on with your day, letting go of that emotion? I just did that and you can do it too. It’s 100% in your control. It might feel difficult in the beginning but like with anything new you are learning, it will become easier and easier.
It is important to note that I’m not proposing that you ignore your feelings but rather that you acknowledge them, learn why you feel them and then let them go because your emotions are not you, you didn’t choose them, your mind handed them to you and — without awareness — you just blindly accept and suffer because of them.
This is the very journey I am talking about. Start listening to yourself and start realizing that there are two of “you” in your head: You and your mind. The two are not the same! I don’t need to introduce you to yourself. You’re already acquainted with yourself. But let me introduce you to your mind: Your mind is your subconscious speaking to you: Your feelings, your inner voice telling you what to do, what to worry about, why you should get stressed and anxious and unhappy and complaining, and, and, and.
Again: This is not you! Your mind is not you. Acknowledging this is part of the first steps of becoming aware. Your conscious mind (the real you) is doing a great job of letting you believe that your subconscious mind is you. But once you start listening to yourself closely, you will start to realize that this is not the case. That’s the first step towards a life lighter life.
This is the journey I am talking about. The journey into inside yourself: Understanding why you experience the world the way you do and taking control of that experience rather than letting your mind take control of and dictate it to you, with all the negative emotions and experiences that come with it.
This is the personal freedom I talked about in the last newsletter, we are working on achieving here. But because
“People need to be reminded more often than they need to be instructed.” — Samuel Johnson
I keep reminding you.
Let’s make this easier! Exercise no. 1
This is a journey of introspection and realization that you have been a puppet of your subconsciousness and it has tricked you into believing you are in control why it had you under its control all the time. Now you have woken up and need to learn how to take control back. But as you surely will say, this is easier said than done. So let’s make it easier.
Imagine you and a friend in a wild carnival crowd with the music pumping and surrounded by screaming people. You can see your friend talking to you but you can’t really hear and understand her. There is just too much noise. At some point you give up, shrug at her and stop listening.
It’s the same with listening to yourself. There is much noise and distractions around us, literally and figuratively, which make it impossible to listen to ourselves. We even forgot that there is someone to listen to. So let’s make this easier. Let’s start removing some of these sources of noise.
Your enemy no. 1 is your phone. Every time it rings, beeps, vibrates, or lights up you interrupt what you are doing or thinking of, you grab it and give it your attention. Did it occur to you that your phone is actually controlling you and your attention rather then you controlling it. Was technology not meant to help us rather than to control us? You are addicted to your phone without being conscious of it. Your phone is like your mind, it tricked you into believing you are in control and now it is time to take back control.
Step 1 on gaining back your freedom and sanity: Switch off your notifications, all of them if you can including the phone ringer. Or as many as you can if you can’t switch off all of them for professional or personal reasons. Definitely switch off WhatsApp, Facebook and text message notifications. I can’t imagine any message being so important that it can’t wait for you to respond whenever you decide that you want to respond. More on that below.
Now, if you have done it right, your phone should always show only a black screen, except you choose to press a button. But your hand will still move towards the phone wanting to check whether there might be a new message or Instagram like. That’s how addicted you are. Realize that!
To make it easier in the beginning, leave your phone out of sight and ideally out of reach (e.g. in another room). If that’s not possible, put it in a drawer or at least turn it upside down just to remind you that you are not meant to touch it for let’s say initially an hour. Yes, don’t look at your phone for the next hour and use that regained focus and freedom to do what you want to do.
Maybe use that time to reflect on your habits and how much of your day your phone dictates you what to do. Or think about other habits you would like to change and why you have not done so yet. Think deeply and undistracted about that. Or reflect on when you were annoyed with someone last time and why that was? Why did that person do to you? What assumptions did you make that lead to your annoyance? Or why you keep on complaining about this thing and whether this really gets you anywhere?
In an hour, stand up, stretch, grab a coffee and look at your phone. Respond to the messages that you want to respond to and go back to doing what you were just doing before. An hour later repeat the same thing again. Doesn’t it feel amazing (well after you really did that, not right now ;)? More and more, the urge of checking your phone will subside and you will feel more relaxed and start breathing again.
Habits are easy to learn and unlearn, you just need to make them a habit first by sticking to them. It’s a question of willpower and how eager you are to gain the freedom I’m always talking about, to get back control over your life. Can you commit to this for the next week? If it’s too easy, try not to look at your phone for several hours in a row. And of course, checking messages on the computer instead is cheating. If you are waiting for someone to call you which you can’t miss or call back, switch on notifications but leave the phone out of sight. And after, switch it off. I promise you, it will feel liberating. Just use common sense!
Following last weeks newsletter, someone sent me the following feedback: “Looking forward to advice on how to apply some of these concepts through exercises. It can definitely be easier said than done.”
This is your first exercise! You can’t do it? It’s silly? You are willing to do everything but that? Well, think about what that says about you and your life? You can’t even switch off your phone? How much control do you really have over your life? Maybe there is a reason why you are so stressed all the time. Think about that.
And while I called this your first exercise, reflecting, contemplating, observing and thinking about what you do, think and feel, and why you do, think and feel like that is the best exercise you can do. Every day a little more. Reading this newsletter is an exercise, a commitment on the path to personal freedom. Learning about yourself is the ongoing “exercise.”
This very journey of looking inwards is a continuing exercise. Just keep doing it and you will start seeing the light. I can guarantee that 100%. I can also guarantee you, if you think or say that you don’t have time for this, you will never in your life feel in control, blissful, happy. Never for an extended period. You will have to keep escaping through holidays, alcohol, parties and other distractions. Once you embark and continue this journey, you will find that you need less and less external pleasures to enjoy life. Of course, you will still want to go on holiday or have a drink with a friend. But now you have a choice. You won’t need it anymore, you will be just as happy and relaxed without it.
That is the freedom I’m talking about. Living life on your terms! It’s the most rewarding and an eye opening journey you can imagine. I hope you keep walking it. Your life will never be the same again. So let’s continue that journey by checking out the following voicemail.
Voicemail to a friend (check it out!)
Don’t miss this! This covers more life advice and detail than all the newsletters so far!
Many of you enjoyed the voicemail to a friend in the last newsletter. I left her another, longer voicemail where I’m covering a lot of life topics full of examples how I dealt with things concretely. This is a lengthy audio so listen to it while commuting or working out!
You can listen to it here where you also find a list of all the topics including timestamps. (You are on a phone? Click here — audio only.)
You don’t have time? Fast forward to time 1:40:10 of the voicemail and listen to it for 10 mins where I talk about the different realities. Or just find the content that is relevant to you based on the index.
Here is the link again: How to live your life successfully: Voicemail to a friend (2.4h)
And please clap on the right side of the article, so others are more likely to discover it as well. Thank you!
Quote of the week
“Your conflicts, all the difficult things, the problematic situations in your life are not chance or haphazard. They are actually yours. They are specifically yours, designed specifically for you by a part of you that loves you more than anything else. The part of you that loves you more than anything else has created roadblocks to lead you to yourself. You are not going in the right direction unless there is something pricking you in the side, telling you, “Look here! This way!” That part of you loves you so much that it doesn’t want you to lose the chance. It will go to extreme measures to wake you up, it will make you suffer greatly if you don’t listen. What else can it do? That is its purpose.” — AH Almaas in Elements of the Real in Man
If you enjoyed this quote, you might enjoy the interview with Dr. Gabor Maté below. And don’t forget to listen to Voicemail to a friend. They are both full of goodies :)
Things I have been pondering this week
Interview with Dr. Gabor Maté (Tim Ferriss Show)
If you have listened to my voicemail to a friend, continue by checking out this fascinating interview about the mind-body connection, that addiction to anything is us compensating for unresolved childhood trauma, that depression is about numbing emotions so we don’t feel pain, why ADD is a coping mechanism and how all of our coping mechanism lead to big problems down the road. There is also a lot of advice for parents. It’s a great interview. Spotify link here and show notes here. (150 mins)
A Glitch in the Matrix: The Intellectual Dark Web & the Mainstream Media
This is not specifically life-related but understanding societal trends is part of making sense of life. It is a fascinating documentary about what’s going on behind the scenes of polarizing societal and political change. It covers Jordan B Peterson, how the media landscape is changing, and the blue church vs. red religion. Check it out here. (54 mins)
What am I up to?
As I am working on creating a universal framework on how to live life, paper, computer lists and mindmaps became visually too limited, so I got a whiteboard to be able to better capture my thoughts and how they connect. This is how it looked after a day of work. I need more space :)
Did you enjoy this week’s newsletter?
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Previous newsletters
Missed some of my previous newsletters? You can find them here. And please don’t forget to clap for them (on the left side) so others are more likely to discover them as well!
What else?
Growing as a person is why we are here. Growth is the purpose of life, on a biological level as much as on a conscious and intellectual level (= learning). While most people seek stability, when nothing in life changes, they start wondering whether “this is it” (midlife crisis or any other personal crisis). Keep learning and growing and you will both be happier and better prepared for life and the future. If you like watching short videos, check out some of my 3–5 mins videos here or listen to my “Voicemail to a friend” here.
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About this newsletter and me. ConsciousX started as a passion project sharing the life insights I gained contemplating over the last years. As a result, I recorded 40+ videos on topics like why you should stop caring what others think of you (watch my video here, 6 mins), how to prime yourself happy (video, 4 mins), how to communicate with others (video, 7 mins), or why you should embrace uncertainty. You can find all the video’s here. If you want to learn more about me, check out my site. I also wrote some articles on Medium, for example on How to overcome anxiety or you can follow me on Facebook where I post links to interesting articles from time to time (my focus is now on this newsletter). If you want to get in touch, just hit reply and type away.
This newsletter was made with love in Notting Hill, London.
