my juiciest sharing yet
i am doing something i have not done before: sharing a coaching session where i am the coachee. it’s a vulnerable display of my journey and its human struggles. i feel there’s a lot of insights to gain from and that’s why i am sharing it. you get to experience vincent behind the scenes. the video and timestamps are at the bottom of this article.
prefer to listen to this article? click here where you also find all my other articles in the “my awakening” series.
challenges on the journey
after last week’s newsletter went out, i woke up that morning with anxiety. despite having clarity on the spiritual level the human journey doesn’t get necessarily easier — that is until it does. so what’s the point of spiritually evolving then? it’s about recognising that life’s journey is about something else than what it seems to be about.
and with that recognition, i then can make changes in my life that allow me to navigate it with more joy, presence, love, serenity, peace and grace. it is moving from the rat race to no more race.
what are we running after anyway? what is the point of having more of something (money, houses, cars, followers, fame, …)? let’s assume you have more than you had a year, two or ten years ago. do you feel any better? is your life more fulfilling, more aligned? my explorations continue to teach me that no matter what i achieve or where i get to, the fulfilment i am looking for is not to be found there.
now if i were you, i’d think, wonderful, but given that you also seem to experience anxiousness, stress, overwhelm, frustration, grief or whatever emotion is currently present for you, what’s the point of all these spiritual explorations if they don’t make you feel any better?
my response: i am still in a transition stage. i have learnt a lot. i have gained clarity of who i am and why i am here. i understand the purpose of my life. however, i have not done the most important step yet: to fully embody that knowing, to let go of the i i think i am and surrender to the higher realms meaning to not attach, judge and resist what i know to be true.
awareness is one thing, surrender is another
and that is a whole other animal. you could say i have completed phase one of a two-stage process. phase one (awareness) is a prerequisite for step two but step two is a lot harder. i know that it won’t be hard once i have taken the step but until i do, it seems incredibly hard.
how do i know that? i’ve had several experiences that viscerally taught me that. the one that always comes to mind first is me literally stripping naked during an ayahuasca ceremony. i have mentioned this story before so i will keep it short:
i knew i needed to strip naked to move forward. i had extreme resistance to do that. when i finally overcame that resistance and stood there naked, nothing happened. and that was the message and teaching: all the resistance was imaginary, in my head, in my mind. it was an illusion. nothing bad happened but the opposite: i was told that as i stripped naked, the energy in the whole room changed. people felt that something had transformed. (if you like to hear my complete account listen here.)
the life lesson was: there are things i know i need to do. i really don’t want to do them or rather: i feel resistance, fear and i am scared of what could happen if i do. but once i do it, nothing bad happens. it was easy and i feel free, elated and something larger has transformed.
letting go of the self that resists
it is the very same thing with my spiritual journey: what i am here to let go not just in ceremony but in life is the excessive thinking, doing, worrying about what could happen, what others could think, needing to be someone, needing to have a lot, to be successful in the traditional sense, bla bla bla. this is not why i am here and this is why i continue to be on this journey.
there is no escape from who i am and this is imho true for all of us. i didn’t come here to build wealth, to be important, to be safe, to live in convenience, to have a lot, etc. i am here to grow, to expand, to become free to be who i truly am. to be myself. and when i let go of all the beliefs and thinking, i finally can and then i feel the fulfilment, the peace, the presence i have been yearning for all along.
that thing that i am after, whatever it is, is not to be found in the world outside of me. it is not to be found in money, power, sex, fame, achievement, control, certainty, … it is to be found in me being free to be who i really am and live fully and freely expressed being myself rather than to constantly worry about tomorrow, next year, the next deal, the markets, … all of that is childhood, societal and cultural conditioning. it is not me.
everything is a gift
every moment i spend thinking is a moment i have not lived, a moment i have not enjoyed. thinking is part of life, part of being human. but i am not meant to think my way through life. i am meant to go through life being myself, being in awe, being in gratitude for all the many things i experience from moment to moment, being in joy, being in love with life for all its richness and diversity no matter whether it rains or the sun shines. everything is a gift.
instead, i worry, i strategise, i play roles, i control, i manipulate, i escape, i disagree, i fight, i need to be right or look good, i argue over money. and then one die i die. so what was all this battling about? nothing. worse: it made my experience of life worse, it stole the joy that life is meant to be from me. but by then the time is over and so it turns into regret.
i could have been so happy, so free, doing what i love, bringing joy to myself and other people, exploring, be grateful yet i chose to worry, fight, argue, hold grudges, … for what? for nothing and suffering as in not enjoying the ride along the way.
i am the master of my life. i decide whether my life is joyful or not. it has nothing to do with what others say, think or do to me (absent of physical harm). i alone decide how i respond to others and life. you scream at me, ok, you must have had a bad day. you insult me, i guess i trigger something within you. whatever someone does to me, i decide how i respond and that decides how i feel. not how much i have or have achieved.
healing rather than escaping
i am full of unconscious insecurities and they are the reason i am trying to achieve so much — to make up for what i feel i am lacking. spending a whole life trying to prove i am worthy, i am lovable instead of healing those wounds and then being able to be myself and do what i love rather than what i think i need to do to impress others or achieve ever more wealth.
this is the human plight: i will never find that peace i am looking for by trying to fill an imaginary hole: to plug a lack that is simply a product of my mind. realising this is called doing the work of healing. this is not some new age stuff, it is something that has been forgotten and we are finally starting to remember.
when i realise that i am much more than my body and mind, i realise that everything i think i am i just think i am. i am so much more and this little “i” i perceive to be is just a construct of my mind, it’s an imagination that feels very really but is not. it is simply here for me to explore, learn from, grow with and ultimately transcend it.
as long as i try to understand this with my mind, i will fail because the mind is the very thing that is asking to be transcended. i cannot understand something by using that very thing. and i most definitely cannot transcend this something using that very thing. this something, my mind, is what needs to let go of wanting to understand and control. the place i am meant to be in is beyond the mind’s grasp.
paradise is already here — just not in my mind
and that’s the very thing i am working on. clearly, i am still using my mind to think about life. not so much when i am writing these lines, they just flow out of me, but when i wake up anxiously in the morning worrying about what i am doing and what i am not doing but “meant to do”.
as i am writing these lines i remember what i am here for: to first and foremost help and liberate myself from the stranglehold of my very limited mind changing the paradigm from a world of “me first” thinking, fighting, worrying and competing to a world of me being embodied harmony and presence with those around me, bringing joy to myself and the world and experiencing the awe and richness of all that life is. what a beautiful world that will be.
below you find a conversation i had the day i published the last newsletter with one of my guides around my anxiety, my frustrations, my stuckness and all the very challenges i experience on this journey. it’s a humbling display of how i am still very much part of the human drama. one that i am fully committed to and working on every day to leave in the not-too-distant future. just not yet.
how can i serve you?
my life’s purpose is to explore and to serve others. it is also what brings me most joy. how can i support you? let’s jump on a call and explore (email me or pick a convenient time here). i know you can propel yourself forward beyond your wildest imagination. your innate potential is limitless.
prefer exploring as a group? join me and others on today’s
wednesday’s weekly awakening circle at 10am pdt, 1pm edt, 6pm uk/pt, 7pm cet here’s the zoom link.
looking forward to connecting with you.
reality check: vincent being coached
want to have an inside look of my struggles on the journey? it feels very vulnerable to share this and i feel it is in service of my mission, my purpose and possibly you. there are plenty of teachings in those 54 mins. so here you go. the juice is especially in the second half. we cover:
- 1’ being incongruent — spiritual vs earthly life
- 4’ revisiting the same issue over and over again
- 7’ being tired of the human experience
- 12’ controlling vs. releasing
- 16’ feeling “impotent”
- 18’ family, love and acceptance
- 22’ my inner child “mumi”
- 24’ don’t fight the ego
- 25’ the biggest lie — reflections
- 28’ making tough choices on the path
- 31’ neoslife: our vision for the future
- 34’ reflecting where i am at
- 36’ falling in love
- 40’ wanting to be in control
- 41’ ceremonies: “telling the mind to go fuck itself”
- 44’ soul vs mind battle: don’t fight the ego
- 47’ just get started — don’t wait for perfection
- 50’ letting go — my 5meo experience
- 51’ love — the end of thinking