400 Days of Surrender — Day 24–28: Trust vs. dis-ease (Ayahuasca)
New to this series? You can find Day 1 and why I’m writing this here.
I went offline the last four days as I underwent another plant ceremony. This time it was Ayahusca, San Padro and — what I had not done before — Iboga.
Less than two weeks ago (Day 12 & 13), I had done a similar experience. This might sound like I’m doing this every month but the last time before that was one year ago. Iboga was new and this was an opportune moment (because of the surrender journey I am on), to try this very powerful medicine for the first time and in conjunction with the other plants.
It simply fails me explain what is really going when you connect with these plants. The further you are away from this topic, the less you probably make of it. Some people think this is just a crazy thing or yes, you are having a hallucination but so what. But it is so much more than this and I’m only starting to grasp — thanks to the amazing shaman we were working with — what the power of the these plants are.
Science doesn’t understand it and despite immersing myself in some many topics that I did not give any credence before like the pain body, the connection between the body, heart and mind, energy/chi, storing of emotional trauma in our bodies which is the reason for chronic diseases we have including cancer, diabetes, heart failure, helps me to at least a little bit more appreciate the true power of these plants.
Yes, medicine has a very limited understanding of our body as in it looks at it only through the physical sense. Yet we are so much more and that’s why Ayahusca can do so much because it connects you with Consciousness/deep within you and thereby allows you to heal what is standing in your way. There’s just nothing like it.
So this time I found myself in this 3.5 days retreat basically spending most of the time huddled on a mattress fighting my inner wars, some of them I was not even consciously aware of. I really wanted to push myself that’s why I choose this more extensive and deeper but also much more challenging physical experience of four ceremonies including Iboga.
Over those days I not only felt sick, purged/threw up a lot, thought I’m going crazy, physically fought with my shaman and through him and his partner seemed to be talking to mother & father in the spiritual sense — they felt like a god couple.
As I pushed harder up against the knee of the shaman on my back pushing me down, they said: trust and ease. And then I let go. This was a revelation. The battles I was fighting were because I had learnt to fight for survival probably as a result of the messy divorce of my parents nearly three decades ago which has — much more than I ever thought — scarred my relationship with them and as a result formed my perception of life.
I never thought of it as fighting but there was a constant dis-ease around the future and that I had to make sure that it’s going to be ok. On an intellectual level I had pushed these worries away long time ago but they have not been processed on a deeper level and hence were indirectly showing up left and right creating unease and indecisiveness around where to go and not to go, what to do, lack of commitment, etc.
After these two words spoken by these godlike faces (think psychedelic art), I collapsed exhaustedly but a sense of deep peace had arrived.
I don’t have to figure it out. All I have to do I trust and go through life with ease, follow my creative joy and go where life pulls me.
I believe that most of our suffering in life is created by us not living in alignment where life pulls us. We are resisting. Because of fears, because of worries, because of what other people think but actually
we are our only and own worst enemy by resisting the call that’s deep within us, that expresses itself through our talents, passions, interests, and unique skills.
Follow those and despite all the uncertainty I believe they carry you to the place you have been longing for: To life YOUR life not someone else’s or just a safe life. Trust yourself! ✨
Continue to Day 29: Educated into misery.