400 Days of Surrender — Day 11: Going all in
New to this series? You can find Day 1 and why I’m writing this here.
As I was sitting in my meditation, I was in pain. My broken arm was itching from the cream that I had applied, my hip muscles were hurting from sitting upright like a candle, my feet bones from the pressure against the floor and the noise from the construction outside kept trying to irritate me. I was wondering: How many more minutes until the hour is over? I was resisting the discomfort.
And then my phone rang. I opened my eyes, looked at it and closed them again and asked myself, what am I resisting? Yes, some of the pain was physical but the suffering was entirely created in my mind. There was no need to count minutes and be in discomfort. And so I just surrendered to whatever is and found beauty in being able to sit on the floor, forget about what’s going on in the world and just drop in deeper and deeper to find clarity in emptiness.
What a gift that I can choose to go to this place every day and find peace within no matter what. That’s freedom. And when I opened my eyes again, I realised the timer had not worked and I had been sitting there for 75 minutes. I had stopped fighting and surrendered.
The other day, I was exploring with my coach what I was resisting in committing myself to create and share more. Initial answers were that the commitment constraints my freedom, that what if it doesn’t speak to people and hence all the work is for nothing and that I felt I could not go all in with what I really believe and see, that it would overwhelm people. He challenged me: How do you know that? He asked me:
Who do you believe you are?
What do you believe your assignment is?
And what are you willing to do to make it happen?
I paused. I said, I know what it is: To help wake up the world. I’ve been resisting this calling because it sounds so crazy but it’s also so clear. It feels like I’m just trying to get out of it, go back to my comfort zone, coach people, which I love, study the world and seek deeper truths among all this noise.
But I know my mission is more than that. It’s about speaking those uncomfortable but empowering truths out loud. And that’s why I embarked on the very journey I am on: To push myself hard so I can show others how to elevate themselves, how to find and create beauty in their lives. Everything we seek is on the other side of fear.
After my meditation, I get up to have a shower. The room temperature is 12 degrees Celcius and I’m having an ice cold shower, no warm water at all. I gasp. Why do I do this? What makes me want to do this? I have a glimpse of clarity again, this is my journey, to push myself, to overcome pain and fear, to overcome any resistance so I can go all in, burn the boats and push forward hard to give all my love, compassion and power to others.
It’s the journey if letting go of myself so I can elevate others, to wake up myself fully so I can wake up others to what this incredible thing called life is about. It’s a difficult journey but it’s also the most rewarding one and, while I am still resisting, I know it’s where I am ultimately going. So I’m going all in. ✨
Continue to Day 12: My biggest teacher.